American Women
by Tonks gone Borg
Summary: The story of American twins who come to Hogwarts as part of an exchange program: One a quiet, well-behaved, studious Gryffindor with an eye for Draco; the other an assertive, eccentric, loudmouthed Slytherin who takes crap from nobody! Watch them reak h
1. No Need to Ask...He's a Smooth Operator

"Yo, G! What the hell's taking you so long?"  
  
"Weez, just get off my case, okay? I'll be ready in a few more minutes."  
  
"You said that an hour ago! Look, we're going to miss the train, and Mom can't drive us to this place like she always did for you at our old school..."  
  
"We're not going to miss the train, Weez."  
  
"Look, how many trains do you know depart from platforms with a number like 9 ? This isn't exactly your average NJ Transit train, hon...we're going to need some time to find the damn thing!"  
  
"I'm almost done, Louise, I just need to find my lipliner..."  
  
"Forget the lipliner..."  
  
"Okay, fine! But it won't be my fault when people are looking at me all funny, being like `Eew, who is that nasty girl?'"  
  
"Gina, we're identical twins--you know what that means? That means we look exactly alike...and I don't feel like people are always looking at me that way, because they're not! If they're looking at you at all, they're probably thinking how pretty you are or how little self-confidence you seem to exude."  
  
Gina, the quieter and more appearance-obsessed of the two just grumbled at this comment. She knew her sister was right, but her perfectionism and tendency towards obsessive-compulsive behavior told her otherwise, as she found herself checking herself over once more in the mirror.  
  
"COME ON!" Louise yelled, grabbing her sister at the arm. "What the hell is this?"  
  
"Um...what does it look like?"  
  
"It looks like you're going to need one mother of a luggage cart, girl...what the hell are you brining?" she shouted, pointing at her sister's numerous suitcases, all matching of course, lined up against the bathroom wall.  
  
"Relax, G, I've learned a levitation charm I can use."  
  
"So I suppose we're going to have to apparate in wizard territory then...You can't be using magic around the civilians, hon, and there's no way in hell we're going to be able to lug these things around ourselves."  
  
"Sounds fine to me," Gina responded sarcastically, wiping off her lipliner, unhappy with the results of her now tenth attempt at application.  
  
"Forget the lipliner, Gina, and just let's go!"  
  
"Did Dad ever open the fireplace grate for us? The door's been bolted shut for years."  
  
"Yeah, oh man, I hate to think of what could be in there now...he opened it last night, I hope there are no bats in there..."  
  
"What is this? Tough, brave Louise afraid of a little old flying mouse?"  
  
"Shut up, Gina!"  
  
*pfft* *pfft*  
  
"Stop it..."  
  
*pfft* *pfft*  
  
"Gina, I swear to God if you don't stop making bat noises, I'm going to turn you into one!"  
  
"And what's that going to accomplish? I'll just have more of an opportunity to torture you," she smiled. "Besides, you don't know any transfiguration spells! Hell, we only just found out we were witches back in August!"  
  
"Just...forget about it, okay?" Louise requested through clenched teeth as she lit the fireplace with her cigarette lighter and threw in a handful of floo powder. "Which reminds me...how in the hell am I going to get cigs while I'm there? Do you remember if I packed both of my cartons of Parliaments?"  
  
Gina just shook her head...  
  
"I swear, hon, you're just as ridiculous with your cigarettes as I am with my hair."  
  
"So you admit that you're ridiculous then? Wow, that's a first!"  
  
"That's not the issue, o sister of mine...now help me get my shit into the fireplace."  
  
"Do it yourself, Jyna."  
  
"Don't call me Jyna!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
***********************************************  
  
"Shiiiiiiitttt!!! Don't leave! Oh God, please don't leave!"  
  
"Can I help you two ladies?" a cold drawling voice met them from behind.  
  
Looking the source of the voice up and down, obviously displeased with what she saw, Louise hastily answered, "Who the fuck are you?"  
  
"Charming! Quite...charming," he replied sarcastically, his forced smile oozing with contempt for this impertinent, obviously poorly-bred American.  
  
"Yeah, well, this is about as charming as I get when some little misogynistic punk like you sees two girls with a lot of suitcases in the middle of a train station, thinks we're too weak to handle it ourselves, and offers ever so patronizingly to extend aid in the form of a strong, masculine arm...No thank you! Anyway, Shrimp, I could probably bench-press you in my sleep," Louise nearly growled at the boy.  
  
"I could use some help!" Gina quickly chimed in. "Please excuse my sister, she just doesn't know how to act around guys! I'm Gina by the way."  
  
Putting down two of her suitcases, she extended a hand.  
  
"Draco, Draco Malfoy, and the pleasure is all mine," he responded, raising her hand to his lips rather than shaking it.  
  
"Oh god," Louise groaned, rolling her eyes.  
  
"What?" Gina batted her eyes innocently.  
  
"You're just too smooth Malfoy."  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment, O ungrateful sister of the lovely Gina."  
  
"Louise...my name is Louise."  
  
"Louise, I must remember that all roses do indeed have their thorns, and thus overlook this behavior from you."  
  
"Whatever, Malfoy," she sputtered, disappearing as she carried her own luggage onto the train.  
  
"Is she always like that?"  
  
"Pretty much, yeah."  
  
"A pity," he sighed as he offered her his arm. "Would you like to sit with me on the train, I'd like for us to get better...acquainted...if you catch my drift."  
  
Giggling uncontrollably, she accepted his arm--completely unknowing what she was getting herself into. 


	2. I've Got a Bad Disease

"Hello again my friend, it's been some time.  
  
I try to read you in your shifting eyes..." Louise sang, strumming a bit on her guitar, the one absolutely prized muggle possession she brought on her journey--aside from her cartons of cigarettes, of course.  
  
"Hey Weez, whatcha doing?"  
  
"What the hell does it look like, Jyna?"  
  
"Don't call me that! I've told you not to call me that, what, a hundred times now?"  
  
"Try and double that."  
  
"Okay, two hundred times!"  
  
"Two hundred and thirty seven to be exact," she pronounced tiredly, looking up at Gina with a lazy smirk. This smirk, however, became an expression of unadulterated disgust upon identifying her sister's companion. "Oh, brought your slimy little British toad along for the visit, huh G?"  
  
"Honestly, Louise, I must admit I was being rather gracious in letting your earlier comments slide. Yet, I must warn you to be more careful in what you choose to say to me in the future. My father..."  
  
"Ooooooo-oooooh!" She smiled, suddenly brightening with the realization of Draco's true nature. "I see--Now tell me, Dreg-o..."  
  
"That's Draco."  
  
"Same thing," she waved off his correction, clearing her throat and continuing. "How many sets of teeth do you have anyway?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Well, you're acting like one of those spoiled little rich bastards who thinks he's innately superior to everyone else because somewhere along the line, one of your ancestors happened to be lucky enough to amass some extent of wealth and power. In reality, however, the ingenuity of that ancestor faded with each successive generation to be replaced by complacent stupidity and the ironic superiority complex that comes along with it. Also, over that time, I have no doubt that your family has been marrying into other rich, powerful families, thus creating offspring so inbred that the only thing keeping them apart from guests on the Jerry Springer show is a Neiman Marcus gold card..."  
  
"Louise!" Gina shouted, quite appalled.  
  
"I'M NOT FINISHED!" Louise replied. "Anyway, Dreg-o, Dreg-of-society-o, Draco, whatever the hell your name is, there's one thing you should know, which is that I don't like your kind of people. And if I ever, EVER again hear you try, in the name of your stupid father, to silence my right to express myself, I will be sure that you suffer from a particularly nasty case of Gonorrhea for the rest of your natural life? Do we quite understand each other?"  
  
He simply stood there, stunned.  
  
"Can you speak?"  
  
"Of course I can speak, you stupid mudblood!" he snarled back.  
  
"Mudblood, huh? I don't have a clue as to what that is, but I don't like the sound of it, so here's a little taste of what's to come if I hear you talking that kind of shit again," raising her wand to his genital area, she muttered a few words.  
  
"Ack!" he shrieked, suddenly feeling an insatiable desire to scratch himself.  
  
"It's going to hurt when you pee too. It's chlamydia...I'll save gonorrhea for the future. But hopefully, you won't be threatening me anymore and you won't go telling anyone I did this to you, so there won't be a future where this is concerned. Now, I'd advise you to stay away from my sister too, but hey! Her body, her decision."  
  
"Don't worry, I will!" Draco grunted before heading for a car with a bathroom.  
  
"LOUISE MIRIAM TANSEY, I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT??? HE WASN'T DOING ANYTHING TO YOU!"  
  
"And I wasn't about to let him start, either."  
  
"Why? Tell me why you always have to be antisocial! Tell me why whenever it is that I meet a guy who's actually my type that you have to embarrass the hell out of me in front of him?"  
  
"HE'S your type?! Well, that's certainly not my problem then, now is it? How the hell was I supposed to know you wanted a loser like him to kick you around?"  
  
"He was soooo not a loser, Louise! He's sexy, he's rich, he's smart, and he's BRITISH! What kind of girl would I be if I turned THAT down??? Anyway, how would you know if he were ever going to `kick me around' as you so *poignantly* put it?"  
  
"You wouldn't want to know."  
  
"WHAT? Okay, enough with the Kosh-speak. You know I never liked Babylon 5 or any of your other nerdy little shows..."  
  
"That's not true, you used to watch Star Trek with Dad and me all the time when we were little."  
  
"Yah, when we were *little*. I'm sooo above that stuff now, and you should be too. When are you ever going to grow up, Louise? No wonder you never get any dates."  
  
"If becoming like you is what I have to do to get dates, I'm glad to be single! I wouldn't give up the freedom to be who I truly am for anybody, least of all for some schmuck like Draco! As for `growing up'--you're grown up when you've come to accept yourself as you are. I don't see you doing that any time soon, and for that I'm truly sorry. Gina, you're my sister and I love you--I just wish you could love yourself."  
  
"You just don't get it, do you?" Gina smirked, wiping away a stray tear. "Nobody ever does...I'm going to see if I can find Draco."  
  
"Gina!" It was too late. 


	3. We Shall Overcome

"Ah, screw it," Louise muttered, reaching into her purse and drawing out a pack of Parliament Light 100s and her prized Zippo lighter. Carefully laying down her guitar, she placed a cigarette in her mouth and rose to open a window. However, much to her dismay, the window would not budge.  
  
"Oh hell," she growled, the yet unlit cigarette clamped firmly between her teeth. Thinking her options had run out, she suddenly remembered it would be possible to open the window using magic. "Accio," she affirmed, pointing her newly purchased wand—phoenix tail, titanium, and dragon's claw (undoubtedly the strangest combination Mr. Ollivander had ever seen in his years as a wandmaker)—at the window. "Finally, I can get a fuckin' smoke around here!" she mumbled, lighting her cigarette and inhaling deeply.  
  
Her moment of bliss, just she and her cigarette, was short-lived, however, as she heard a knock at the compartment door. Hastily, she threw the lit cigarette out the window, and yelled for the knocker to enter.  
  
"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger! Welcome to Hogwarts."  
  
The visitor was slightly too perky for Louise to appreciate this early in the morning.  
  
"Louise Tansey," she replied, extending a hand. "A bit soon to be welcoming me to Hogwarts, we're not due to arrive for what, five hours now?"  
  
"What's that smell?" Hermione asked, sniffing the air.  
  
"I don't smell anything," Louise responded, grinning sheepishly, and throwing her empty hands into the air.  
  
"Oh well, I suppose it doesn't matter. Anyway, as head girl this year, it is my duty to answer any questions any of the new exchange students may have. So…is there anything in particular you'd like to know?"  
  
"Yeah, actually," she began, motioning for Hermione to sit down, "what the hell is a 'mudblood'?"  
  
Hermione's cheerful expression fell, "Where did you hear that term?"  
  
"It was that Wacko Malfoy guy…"  
  
"You mean Draco Malfoy?"  
  
"Ah, same thing."  
  
"I can tell I like you already…Louise, right?"  
  
"Yeah, that's me. Although my friends usually just call me Weez."  
  
"Like from that American sitcom, the Jeffersons?"  
  
"Exactly, girl, exactly. Wow, didn't seem to me anyone here was hip enough to know about anything…what's the term again…muggle?"  
  
"Yes, muggle. Well, Weez…it's okay if I call you Weez, right?"  
  
"Sure, Hermione, you seem cool enough," she winked.  
  
"Well, I'm muggle-born, so I know about all that pop culture stuff."  
  
"Awesomeness! Me too! What kind of muggle music do you like? God, that sounds so weird…'muggle'…sounds like some kind of strange little elfin creature or something."  
  
"That's exactly what I thought the first time I heard it! It's nice to finally have someone here who thinks like me…by the way, that's what Malfoy meant by 'mudblood'. A mudblood is a derogatory word for a witch or wizard born to muggle parents."  
  
"Eew, that little Nazi! So, he like, called me the wizard equivalent of a 'kike' or a 'nigger', huh?"  
  
"Essentially."  
  
"What the fuck? You'd think that if magic people were as advanced as they say they are, they wouldn't have these kinds of prejudices. God, it's like there's no hope for humankind at all," she resigned herself, leaning back and lighting another cigarette. Realizing what she was doing, she quickly tossed her lit smoke out the window. "Oops…you didn't see me do that! You didn't see me do that!"  
  
"It's okay, Weez, I'm not going to tell anybody…just don't do it again on the train, okay? It's just that I am head girl, and I really am supposed to be enforcing the rules…"  
  
"I understand, 'Mione. It's okay," Louise patted her on the shoulder. "Come in!" she shouted as she heard a knock on the door. In entered four girls and two boys, also, she conjectured, American exchange students.  
  
"Hi!" A short black girl with straight shoulder-length hair pulled back with a Burberry's headband greeted them. "Hey Hermione!"  
  
"Hello Renee!"  
  
"Are you yet another of us wonderful American exchange students?" she asked Louise.  
  
"Yeah, I'm Louise Tansey. But you can call me Weez."  
  
"Like the Jeffersons!" a very attractive dark-haired boy smiled, his onyx eyes twinkling.  
  
"The very same," Louise smiled, nodding. "What are your names?"  
  
"Joe…Joe Garibaldi," the boy introduced himself, extending a hand. "I'm from Jersey."  
  
"Really? Me too!"  
  
"No way! Where from?"  
  
"Do you know where Morristown is?"  
  
"Yeah, isn't that like in South Jersey or something?"  
  
"No, you're thinking of Moorestown, not Morristown. Morristown's in North Jersey…in Morris County. I'm from a little town called Rockaway…you might have heard of it, there's a shopping mall there."  
  
"There's a shopping mall everywhere in New Jersey, girl," the girl called Renee laughed.  
  
"Are you from there too, Renee, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm Renee, but no, I'm from San Francisco."  
  
"That is so fuckin' cool…I've always wanted to go there, never had a chance though. I want to check out Haight-Ashbury."  
  
"The Haight?" Renee grinned. "That place is so fun, we'll definitely have to go together sometime."  
  
"Definitely," Louise smiled.  
  
"Hi, I'm Dan," a tall Asian-American boy greeted her, extending to shake her hand.  
  
"Hey Dan."  
  
"And this is Maggie, Eden, and Diana," he introduced the three hitherto silent girls who had accompanied them into her compartment.  
  
"Maggie, Eden, Diana," Louise acknowledged each as she shook their hands.  
  
"Hey, Hermione," Diana, the curly-haired redhead, spoke up suddenly, "Isn't Old Snapey supposed to be around soon to check that we're all here?"  
  
"Old Snapey?" Louise scowled. "Who the fuck is 'Old Snapey'?" She fought back the overpowering urge to start singing "On top of Old Smokey", substituting "Snapey" for "Smokey".  
  
"Professor Snape," Hermione informed her. "Potions Master at Hogwarts and head of Slytherin House."  
  
"And, to use proper British terminology," Joe chimed in, in a British accent oozing with mock-propriety, "A rather nasty git."  
  
"Um…what the hell is a 'git'?"  
  
"I suppose a 'git' would be the British equivalent of your American 'jackass' or 'putzhead'," Hermione informed her.  
  
"Oh," Louise mouthed, allowing the information to process.  
  
"And yes, he should be around any minute…"  
  
The boy called Dan pretended to gag himself with his finger.  
  
"Geez, I take it nobody likes this Professor Snape guy, huh?"  
  
"Hell no!"  
  
"I've heard he's sooo unfair!"  
  
"And in dire need of a good shampoo!"  
  
Among the noisiness of the ad libbed comments, no one else but Hermione and Louise seemed to notice that someone matching their description of Professor Snape had recently entered the car, and simply stood there with an oily smirk on his face as he listened to their derisive evaluations.  
  
"Um…guys? Guys?"  
  
"What, Weez?" Joe finally asked.  
  
"Uh…"  
  
"Mm!" Hermione pointed feverishly.  
  
Turning around, Joe Garibaldi stood face to face with the legendary Professor Snape.  
  
"Joseph Garibaldi, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes, sir," he replied, suddenly snapping to a very military like attention.  
  
"Professor Severus Snape. And that's five points from whatever house you are sorted into."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"And that goes for all of you," he allowed his eyes to transverse the new students' faces. "Miss Granger, I thought you told me there were seven new exchange students? There are only six individuals present."  
  
"My sister, Gina, sir, is missing."  
  
"SILENCE!" his voice boomed. "I do not recall addressing you, girl. You must not speak unless you are spoken to…an additional five points off."  
  
"GIRL????? Did you just call me…ahem…'girl'? If you don't mind my asking now, what year is it, 'sir'?"  
  
"The year is nineteen hundred and ninety eight."  
  
"And have you ever heard anyone in the year 'nineteen hundred and ninety eight' who dared speak to a woman like this? I have, and most of them are behind bars for beating their wives. I do not take kindly to your archaic diction, sir, and would advise you to be more careful in the words you choose when speaking to me. I'd hate to have to file a complaint with the headmaster."  
  
The room fell silent. No one had ever dared stand up to Snape like this before…*This is what we get for letting in Americans,* Hermione thought to herself.  
  
"Twenty points, and a week's detention…"  
  
"Twenty points and a week's detention for asserting my rights as a female in the liberated age…did you hear that, people?"  
  
The others in the compartment bowed their heads, pretending not to listen…all of course, except for Renee, who raised her head high, and moved to stand next to her female comrade.  
  
"I did…although I wish I hadn't."  
  
"What is your name, girl?" Snape inquired, sneering as he examined her from head to toe.  
  
"Renee Elysia Swanson," she enunciated proudly. "Probably about the farthest thing from 'girl' you can get."  
  
"I can tell that I don't like either of you already…a very dangerous thing, considering who I am and what a short period we have known each other…" Snape growled, pacing back and forth.  
  
"With all due respect, sir," Louise interrupted him. "We have no fear of you."  
  
"And this is your mistake," Snake hissed in her ear, moving in a bit too close for comfort. "We'll let Headmaster Dumbledore see to you upon arriving at Hogwarts…I doubt he will be quite as kind to your insolence and insubordination as I. However, for the rest of the journey, you two will each be confined to solitary compartments, not to be unlocked except to allow you to use the washroom.  
  
"Do I make myself clear…heh…'ladies'?"  
  
"Crystal, sir." They replied in unison, before breaking out in a rendition of "We Shall Overcome". 


	4. Litigation Station

"Stop that racket this instance!"  
  
"Yes sir," the two sisters replied in unison.  
  
"Guess we can't claim diplomatic immunity this time, huh G?" Louise glanced slyly back at her sister.  
  
"Unfortunately no, Sister-of-Mine. As a matter of fact, our situation's more precarious than you'd think. We're on Student Visas recognized only by the Ministry of Magic, not by the entire British Government. And as I'm not familiar with the Magical Laws, I don't know…I have no clue what they might consider a deportable offense, so ya better start behaving yourself…"  
  
"I better start behaving myself? What about you? Think you're some kind of Saint or something? I'm not the one consorting with the Real Slim Shady here…"  
  
"What are you two going on about?" Professor Snape interrupted, eyes darting back and forth suspiciously between the two sisters.  
  
"Well…"  
  
"Louise, let me handle this."  
  
"I defer to your legal wisdom, Mr. Patrick Henry."  
  
"Ha ha."  
  
"This better be good, Miss…"  
  
"Tansey, Professor Snape…Miss Gina S. Tansey…"  
  
"And just so you know, Professor Snape, and so we know whom you're addressing at any given moment, I prefer Ms.," Louise chimed in.  
  
"Louise!" Gina shouted, giving her the evil eye.  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm shutting up now."  
  
"That might be wise considering your current situation, Ms. Tansey," Snape replied, facetiously emphasizing the "Ms.". "Please continue, Miss Tansey."  
  
"According to the laws of the United States of America, my sister is considered a disabled person. I'm sure that here exist similar laws protecting those with disabilities?"  
  
"Yes they do, but get to the point."  
  
"The point is as follows: As my sister is a disabled person—a person suffering from a psychological disability, to be more precise—and thus protected by the disability laws of this country, consideration must be taken when choosing whether or not to punish her for anything she says or does which does not pose any direct threat of harm towards any other person and which can be shown to be a direct consequence of her disability. It would not be difficult to find a lawyer, Professor Snape."  
  
"Are you threatening me with litigation, girl?"  
  
"I am merely stating the law, sir."  
  
After mumbling something under his breath about Americans and their damn lawsuits, he threw his hands into the air in defeat.  
  
"All right, Miss and Ms. Tansey, you have won this time, but watch yourselves…I might not be so…lenient…in the future," as he turned on his heel to leave the car he was stopped.  
  
"Hey Professor Snape, wouldn't it be funny if one of us wound up in Slytherin?" Louise winked.  
  
"Funny is not the word I would choose…unlikely is more like it," and with a smirk and a swirl of black robes he was gone.  
  
"Finally we get some peace and quiet around here," Louise sighed.  
  
"I can't believe you two just did that!" Malfoy exclaimed, horror written plainly across his features.  
  
"Shut up, Dreg-o," Louise snapped and retrieved her guitar.  
  
"Peace and quiet, eh? And now we're forced to listen to your twanging on that blasted muggle instrument?"  
  
"You could learn a few things from this 'blasted muggle instrument', Malfoy," she began, playing the opening chords for one of her favorite songs by the 70s band America, "Or you could leave."  
  
He was indeed about to, when the lyrics made him stop…  
  
1 You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name  
  
It felt good to be out of the rain.  
  
In the desert you can remember your name  
  
Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. 


End file.
